What do you live for?

What do you live for?

Well, I could write novels to you based on the past two months of living in Dadaab, Kenya, but I won’t. I’m learning that silence is often times better than sound…. But I’m not so good at this yet. This is surely a journey of a lifetime where I have encountered such extremes of experiences that I never knew possible. Life is harsh here, and people carry within them such deep and harrowing stories of suffering, torment and pain that it has brought me to my knees over and over. But, what I quickly discovered is that within every person here, who has escaped death, fled genocide, watched their families being murdered, tortured and burned before their eyes, there is something that exists, that rises up and clutches onto life; it is the ultimate will and strength of the human spirit. I have learned that love is the strongest power on this planet and that hope is the essence of life, stronger than steel, stronger than death. I am inspired every day to be a stronger human being, to be a woman of integrity and love. I am learning that there is no room for fear; that I am blessed beyond utterance and the only way I can possibly live my gratitude is by living a life free of fear. But, this is a daily battle.

I’ve realized something vital to my existence. There have been moments, here, where I have thought I would break. Moments when I thought I would have to turn around and give up. We are creating in the face of the impossible. What we are doing seems impossible most days, and I am knocked over daily. Truly, I have never failed so much in all of my life. But, giving up is not an option. Here, giving up means dying. It does. It means giving away hope, will and survival and that is not an option. The only option is to fight to live. Fight for love and fight for hope. But it is not fight alone, for I also realized that the fight sets you on fire. Sometimes you need the fire, but the fire burns out. Surrender must occur, too. I remember the valuable words of one of my teachers in Poland, “Julianna, do not escape from yourself. Come back, come back.” I have to do this everyday. I thank the friends and teachers in my life for for telling me this, through their bravery, words and actions. It resonates within me. But, the boon that I’ve come across here, is that in order for me to survive I must create. It is simple. My hope, my love, my ability to understand myself and the world in which I live, has to come through creation. It is in the stories that we tell, teaching me of where I have come from and what is possible in the future. It is in the songs that my voice shares with another. It is the rhythm of the drum that we dance to, this common pulse that calls out into the air, “Live. Live. Live.”

When I first arrived here, I only gave of myself. I thought I could save the world and said, “I am living for them now”. I nearly broke. I realized that I will one day rise and walk away from this Refugee Camp, but who is it that will walk away? Who will I be? What will I do? Create. It is simply the only thing I can do. I must, absolutely must, do something with these experiences, these songs, these stories. I don’t know what the future will hold, maybe I am beginning to carve a way for myself, letting some idea of how to continue this cycle of bringing in and giving out, how to continue to let my heart touch other hearts be slowly revealed to me.

My dear friends, I am thirsty for creation, for a funneling of this energy, I am thirsty for a guiding hand that I trust, I am thirsty for the peace and clarity and focus of walking into a theater and knowing that there is one task ahead of me, to listen, deeply listen, and respond. It seems so simple, and yet it just might be the only answer.

I cannot help but ask myself, what will I create? How will I begin? What will I say? My friends, I ask this question to you. What can we say through our work? How will we say it? But I ask this question not just of you as artists but as human beings. What will we say with our lives? What are we living for? I know you have all glimpsed moments of clarity, when you understand what it is you live for and it manifests in such vastly different ways. Maybe it is in the moment when you first felt life stir inside of you. Maybe it is in a moment of silence, witnessing the slow and painful emergence of spring, steady and immanent. Maybe it is in an act of kindness where two strangers reflect their humanity to each other. Maybe it is the laughter we share, reminding us that we are truly all clowns upon this earth. Maybe it is through looking directly into the eyes of the person you love. When is it for you? What is it for you? What propels you forward? Hope. Connection. Love. Possibility. Creation.